Once upon a time, in Scranton, Pennsylvania a land far, far away, in a log cabin, there was a baby born to Mr and Mrs Biden. There were three wise guys men hanging around the delivery room log cabin, and they all agreed.
One day, this baby would be a big shot. President of the United States. And they would all call him......
The Big Guy. (Or for some, Old Joe).
As Joe grew up, the father would always say to him: "Joey," (He used to call him Joey). "You're never gonna amount to sh--". Years later, when telling the story, Joe would remark: "My old man was always right."
Joe studied hard and was a straight-C student. After high school, he was offered a congressional appointment to the Naval Academy, but turned it down to enter the prestigious University of Delaware. After graduating 361st in a class of 360, he got his law degree and entered politics, which, then as now, was considered a natural progression.
The years passed, and the years turned into decades. Joe worked his way up the ladder through seniority diligence, becoming a senator and eventually chairman of the Judicial Committee, where he gained everlasting infamy fame providing over the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings. Most observers agreed, it was the Greatest Show on Earth.
Somewhere along the line, Joe met a girl named Jill, which went to prove the old adage that for every Jack Joe, there is a Jill. Jill, that is Dr. Jill, had been abandoned by her first husband when he found out she was having an affair with Joe, whom he had thought was a good friend.
Joe even ran for the Democrat nomination for president a few times. One campaign was submarined when some obscure British politician accused Joe of stealing his lines.
Joe's big break came in the 2008 presidential campaign when some guy nobody heard of named Barack Obama stole the nomination from Hillary Clinton and promptly asked Joe to be his running mate. After carefully considering it for 5 seconds, Joe accepted and, like sh-- rising to the top Phoenix rising from the ashes, Joe was back in the saddle on his way.
As VP, Joe was Obama's closest advisor (He advised him not to send Seal Team 6 into Pakistan to kill Usama bin Laden). Obama ignored Joe's sage advice and forever earned the enmity of Al Qaeda.
But then came Joe's crowning achievement-at least until he became president. While on a sensitive diplomatic mission to Ukraine, he ordered the Ukrainian president to fire a prosecutor who was investigating a corrupt energy company called Burisma, which had hired Joe's son, Hunter to serve on its board of directors. . Joe gave the president of Ukraine an offer he couldn't refuse. He had 6 hours to fire the prosecutor or Ukraine would lose out on a one billion loan, gift, or whatever it was. Son of a B, the prosecutor was fired. Joe also took Hunter with him on an official trip to China on Air Force 2, and Hunter did his part to cement US-China trade relations.
Oh, did I mention, Joe had a son named Hunter? Glad the editor caught that.
After Donald Trump became president, stealing the election from Hillary Clinton, Joe went back into private life, playing golf and enjoying the fruits of his long public service career (two magnificent homes and a green Corvette), reading his old classified files from his days as senator and VP and puttering around his garage. Joe was much too modest to admit, but through hard work by his son, Hunter, he was able to amass a modest fortune. Hunter's many talents and experience in energy had made him a very successful businessman. Aided by his business partner, known publicly only as "the Big Guy", Hunter had overcome crack addiction many obstacles to be able to provide handsomely for his family-his entire family. You see, Hunter was not only an expert on energy, but was fluent in both Ukrainian and Chinese enabling him to negotiate with high-ranking crooks dignitaries in both those countries as well as others. Later on, jealous Republicans and Fox News would poke fun at Hunter and ask repeatedly who the Big Guy was.
Then Joe decided to get back into the game. He announced he was running for president. Because of Covid, he decided to take a twist on an old campaign where some long-since-forgotten president ran his campaign from his front porch. He ran his campaign from the basement of his mansion in Delaware, aided by friendly news outlets like CNN who were always ready to get an exclusive interview with Joe, who some people, mostly ignorant dog-faced pony soldiers, MAGA supporters, and Sean Hannity, were beginning to call "Old Joe". Some right-wing conspiracy theorists even began spreading the rumor that Joe was in cognitive decline aka senile.
You see, Joe was approaching 80, and in spite of his vigorous stamina, an old childhood stuttering habit was starting to afflict him again. It also caused him to stumble, trip, slip and fall when boarding Air Force 1.
Well, as we all know, Joe was elected in a landslide, Trump supporters burned down the Capitol, and the FBI, led by J. Christopher Wray, was called in to save the country, just as they did back in the days of John Dillinger and Pretty Boy Floyd.
As president, Joe tackled all the major problems of the day, rampant inflation, an open border, war in Ukraine. He acted with steely resolve, appointing his vice president and trusty sidekick, Kamala Harris, as border czar. She wasted no time in heading down to the border to see what was going on. She and Joe's pick to be DHS secretary, Alejandro Mayorkas, declared to a relieved public: "The border is secure".
Joe brought peace to Afghanistan and left behind a stable, democratic government just as America had done with Germany and Japan after WW2. And who can forget the joyous sendoff of the last Americans from Kabul airport as thousands of grateful Afghans came to bid them farewell? Some overly-grateful Afghans even refused to let go (holding on to the wings and wheelwells of the aircraft as it lifted off to sail into the sunset.)
Meanwhile, the nay-sayers continued with their unsubstantiated rumors that Joe no longer had his fastball, but Joe proved them all wrong. He even accomplished what the MAGA hats said he could never possibly do. He announced that he was running for re-election and would serve another 4 years!!
(To be continued....unfortunately)
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