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Saturday, October 4, 2014

The Day Eric Holder Died

It is the year 2030




I remember the day Eric Holder died as if it were yesterday. It was December 2014, and Holder had just been nominated by President Obama to succeed Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who had "decided" to retire from the Supreme Court to accept an offer she couldn't refuse. He was testifying in his confirmation hearing, and one Republican senator was after another was grilling him on Operation Fast and Furious, the IRS scandal, and several other controversies. With each answer, Holder's nose kept growing longer and longer. Suddenly smoke was seen coming from underneath the desk where Holder was sitting. His pants were on fire and flames were spreading rapidly. The DC Fire Department was called, but by the time they arrived two hours later, it was too late.

Eric the Red was already dead.

Washington was plunged into mourning and the American flag that hung above the Capitol was burned in Holder's honor. President Obama issued an official statement: "He had my back."

Holder's funeral was attended by a host of dignitaries who came to pay their final respects. Among the notables was Denise Rich, widow of Marc Rich. Even Lois Lerner was there. It was an open casket ceremony (Actually, they were unable to close the casket reminding old Washington insiders of the funeral of former Vice President Nelson Rockefeller-but I digress).



President Obama gave the eulogy.

"He had my back."



Honor Guard

After the service, Holder's casket (still open) was borne to the old Congressional Cemetery, where he was laid to rest next to another famous Justice Department keeper of the secrets, J. Edgar Hoover.


JEH: "Is this some kind of joke?"



1 comment:

Siarlys Jenkins said...

You can't call the Attorney General "Eric the Red." That's the nickname I write on Christmas presents to my brother in law.

And the art work is not up to your usual high standards. That looks more like a clothespin than an actual extended nose. Do your homework next time.

No matter how much he might want to, I don't believe President Obama is stupid enough to set himself up for the flak he'd get nominating Holder for the Supreme Court. It wouldn't be remotely like Lincoln nominating Salmon Chase. He'd never get it through.