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Sunday, June 23, 2013

Random Shots in the Dark (43) Sports Edition


Speaking of random shots, I am wondering who in the Hell Tom Brady of the New England Patriots is going to throw his passes to next season-especially given the recent events regarding tight end Aaron Hernandez.

First, they lose Wes Welker to Denver. They fail to get the Steelers' receiver Emanuel Sanders. Rob Gronkowski, their great tight end, is out with surgery. Brandon Lloyd is gone. That leaves Aaron Hernandez, right?

Wrong.

Hernandez is under investigation for a murder, and his recent surgery is the least of his problems. Last seen, well, he hasn't been seen.


Cops carrying goodies out of Hernandez house.


So who will Brady throw to next season? Answer-nobody. Of course, they could always sign Chad Johnson, Ocho Cinco Johnson. He's available now that a judge let him out of jail early after assigning him a new number -30 (days).

Imagine Chad Tres-Zero.

But there is good news. The Patriots have signed Tim Tebow.


"Ah wunnerful, ah wunnerful, ah" (audio hat tip John Speedie)

So here is the offensive game plan: Tebow comes in as QB in the shotgun formation, and just as he did last year with the Jets, he takes the snap and runs straight up the middle for 3 yards. Or he can catch Brady's screen passes, perhaps, or vice versa. How about leading the team in prayer in the huddle-praying for a first down?


"Dear Lord. Please grant us 10 yards."


I'll retract that.

Speaking of the Patriots, I see that the Washington Redskins are again being pressured to change their offensive name. They may yet become the All-Stars, Hacks, Gang of 11, Filibusterers, Lobbyists, or whatever. But what does this portend for the Patriots? That has also become a very offensive term in recent years, you know, what with the Tea Party and all that. It may also be that the team will be targeted by the IRS for harassment. All they (IRS) have to do is get a hit on that team name (Patriots) and boom! Here comes Lois Lerner. Not to mention Janet Napolitano.


Terror watch list: Dangerous right-wing extremist

Question: What do the NBA Spurs-Heat playoffs have in common with the 1986 World Series (Red Sox-Mets), the 2003 NL Playoffs (Cubs-Marlins), and the 2011 World Series (Cardinals-Rangers)?

Answer: Game 6. The losing team was leading the series 3-2, leading game 6, and blew game 6 in monumental fashion before losing game 7.

Look it up.

Meanwhile in Chicago, can you name this person?




Yes, that's Cub shortstop Starlin Castro, the future of the franchise, at the plate. Today, his average dipped below .230 as he committed his 13th error in the field.

Let's try another one. Who is this character?


If you guessed Cubs reliever Carlos Marmol, you're spot on. That's Carlos warming up in the Cubs bullpen as he dons his suicide vest. Last Sunday, he came into the bottom of the 9th against the Mets with the Cubs leading three-nothing. You guessed it. Big explosion, two homers, 4 runs, and Cubs lose 4-3.

And don't forget Alfonso Sorryano-as in sorry the Cubs signed him to that 8-year deal and, like a case of herpes, they can't get rid of him.


(That number 105 is the number of years since the Cubs won a World Series. No doubt Alfonso will be changing his number to 106 in 2014- the last year of his contract.)

Life is great being a Cub fan. I have to close here. It's time to call my dominatrix.

(Just kidding.)


"Zo you vant a bleacher ticket at Vrigley Field, eh? Two hundert dollars. And no sex"




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