French History for Dummies: Who Was the Man Behind the Iron Mask?

Who was he?


I'm sure my more educated readers have heard the story about the Man in the Iron Mask. According to the story, the French king, Louis XIV, imprisoned a man for 40 years in a dungeon in some remote prison in France. In addition, nobody was supposed to know who the prisoner was. He was outfitted with an iron mask that covered his whole face, allowing spaces only for eating, breathing, seeing, and saying, "Merde."

After 40 years, the prisoner died, but the controversy has raged ever since. Even figures like Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas speculated on the identity of the mysterious prisoner. Other versions opined that he was a twin brother of Louis XIV, an older, illegitimate brother, an Italian diplomat, who had been stealing French secrets, and so on. Some said that the man's face was so hideously ugly that men would die upon viewing it.

Now, for the first time, Fousesquawk has discovered incontrovertible evidence of the identity of the Man in the Iron Mask.

To learn the secret, I delved deep into the geneology of the Bourbon kings of France. Here is what I  learned.

Louis XIV

Louis XIV was the father of Louis XV and the grandfather of Louis XVI. Furthermore, Louis XIV was the son of Louis XIII, the grandson of Louis XII, the great-grandson of Louis XI, the great-great grandson of Louis X, the great-great-great grandson of Louis IX, the great-great-great-great grandson of Louis VIII, the great-great-great-great-great grandson of Louis VII,.....................................

and the great x 16 grandson of Louis I (give or take a couple of generations.)


Louis I

Actually, the first Bourbon king was a guy named Henry-Henry IV to be precise. This is a significant fact.

To continue my investigation, I traveled to France to conduct an on-site investigation, where I met and spoke with leading experts.

He gave me some good tips.


He had no clue.



I walked the streets of Paris and talked to those I met along the avenues.


She didn't know although she said one of her regular customers always liked to wear an iron mask.


They weren't much help either.


I visited all the French museums.

No luck there.

I asked every waiter in the restaurants where I ate.


That got nowhere.


I looked in every nook and cranny.


Nothing here.

Eventually, a man whose identity I cannot reveal told me the true story of the Man in the Iron Mask. This man was a direct descendant of one of the prison guards at the one of the prisons where the man was held. He actually accompanied me to the town of Pinarolo, where the prison was located in the fortress. Pinarolo is now part of Italy, but belonged to France in the 17th century when the famous prisoner was held there. As we walked through the old fortress, my informant showed me the actual cell where the prisoner actually lived. My heart was racing as he directed me to the far wall, in which was inscribed.........



This was the clue I had been waiting for. The prisoner had actually carved a partial picture of his face on the wall. It was now time to turn my investigation over to facial reconstruction experts, who could actually determine what the rest of the face looked like.

It was also time to ask-why was the Man in the Iron Mask imprisoned in the first place? According to my friend, his ancestors had passed down tales through the generations that had become part of their family lore. It seems that the prisoner was actually a direct descendant of that first Bourbon king, Henry IV, thus should have been the rightful heir to the French throne-not Louis XIV. In addition, the man's mother was not a full-blooded Frenchwoman-nor a queen. She was actually a 1/32 Cherokee Indian who one of the princes had, well, you know how it goes. That might be great for Harvard University, but it would not do in the French royal family. Finally, my friend told me that according to his family lore, the man's face was truly hideous to look at. For all those reasons, Louis XIV had no choice but to get rid of him and hide his identity behind an iron mask.

The final piece of the puzzle was provided by the forensic physiologists, who, using the above image from the prison cell, were able to fully reconstruct the face of the Man in the Iron Mask.

It all fit.

And so, dear readers, it is with great pride that for the first time, I am able to definitively show you the true identity of the Man in the Iron Mask.

To view the Man in the Iron Mask, click here.