Fousesquawk Travel Destinations: Los Angeles

Welcome to my home town, Los Angeles, Let me be your tour guide as I show you all the sights and sounds of the City of the Angels.

We begin our tour upon your arrival at LAX. For you UC Santa Cruz Community Studies majors, that means Los Angeles International Airport. If you are arriving from a foreign country, your first experience will be waiting for hours to present your passport to the friendly immigration inspector. Then you will proceed to the baggage area where you can while away the hours waiting for your luggage to come sliding down the carousel. After that, you pass through the Customs departure area. If you are coming from certain countries like Pakistan, Sweden, Somalia, or some other hell-hole, you will follow the nice man in the white uniform to a secondary examination area, where he will drill holes in your suitcase and check to make sure you are not smuggling any hemorrhoids into the country.

After that, it's out the door and to the sidewalk, where you can take a taxi driven by a charming chap from some exotic place like Pakistan, Sweden, or Somalia. Then it's all downhill as you spend another 3 hours getting to your eventual destination. Not to worry. Along the way, you can admire the scenery as you cruise along the 405 freeway and see such sights as Inglewood or Culver City.

Now it's deciding where to go and what to see. I suggest you spend your first day downtown-in the center of the city-where it's all happening. I don't mean that glitzy, phony new area around the Staples Center. I mean where the locals go. First Street, Main Street, Spring Street. Unlike other places, you will find the prices much lower here. A bottle of Thunderbird 2012 can go for as little as 2 bucks. You'll think you're in Italy in the 1980s.

But the center of life in downtown is City Hall. Every day within the corridors of this gigantic building, lives are destroyed. This is where Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, born Tony Villar, is getting his passport stamped on his way to the governorship and soon, Washington.

Aside from Fredo, I mean Tony, LA is run by a collection of empty suits called the City Council. Don't bother asking who they are. Suffice to say they have all been making their livings feeding at the public trough. Day in and day out, they figure out how to bleed more money out of the dwindling tax-paying residents of LA, like raising garbage collection fees. Hell, they got a lotta illegal aliens who need services, you know.

But the real power in LA isn't the mayor. It isn't the city council. It is, are you ready,.......

The Department of Water and Power.

And what power! This department has so much money, they give hundreds of thousands to the city coffers every year-as long as the city plays ball and goes along with their rate hikes. This is the same DWP that raised a few eyebrows a couple of years back when it was learned they were providing birthing classes for their employees. Nothing is too good for a DWP employee.

But enough about politics. Let's talk about the renowned hospitality of Los Angeles. If you are an illegal alien and get stopped for something like driving without a license or drunk, not to worry. Unlike all those natives, you won't get your car impounded. That's a special courtesy LAPD extends to our foreign visitors who are here illegally. As for you foreign visitors who come legally and try to drive drunk, sorry-you are not covered.

For your next excursion, I recommend Hollywood. There you can see where all the famous movie stars used to hang out. They wouldn't be caught dead there now. In fact, the ones who did hang out there have been dead for 40 years. We're talking Douglas Fairbanks dead. But if you want to see today's "stars", you can head for one of those studios and take in a show as part of a live TV audience, say, Ellen Degeneris, for example, or Dr Phil.

Of course, no trip to LA is complete without taking in a baseball game at Dodger Stadium. For the full experience, I suggest you wear a Giants cap. You'll meet a lot of interesting people that way. If you are with the family, I suggest sitting in the family section. That's the one with barbed wire and armed guards. They are there to protect you from the 40,000 or so who might do you harm.The Dodgers, of course, came out to LA in 1958 from Brooklyn, where they were affectionately known as the "Bums". Their last owner, Frank McCord, put new meaning into that word. Not to worry, however. The Dodgers are now in the process of being sold to Magic Johnson. That'll work. Maybe his general manager will be Allen Iverson. They say the Dodgers are one player away from being a contender. With Magic's connections, he could probably sign a superstar like, say, Kobe Bryant.

Speaking of Kobe, if the Lakers happen to win an NBA title while you are in town, the place to be is the Staples Center. That's when the annual riot breaks out, cars are set on fire, and a wonderful time is had by all. Don't forget if you are in the country illegally and driving your car through police barricades, no problem. Your car will not be impounded.

If you are wondering why LA doesn't have an NFL team, it's simple; who needs football? We have high-speed car chases.

Now we head west (because you don't want to head either east or south). Proceed along the Santa Monica freeway for 2 hours until you hit West LA and the Santa Monica beach area. Catch a glimpse of some famous landmarks like the OJ murder scene, the site of OJ's former house, or the house where Michael Jackson kicked the bucket. You can always stop in Beverly Hills and see where Whitney Houston died, but that's not LA. Anyway don't stop at the Santa Monica beach Turn south and head for LA's hidden treasure...

Venice.

Yes, Venice with its grand canals and taste of old Italy. A take-out order from Domino's and you're all set.


"O sole mio...." 

I actually went to high school at Venice High until I could convince my parents to move.

Well, that completes our tour of LA, absent, of course, the East and South Central portions. You see there is so much to do in LA and so many places to visit, there just isn't enough time to see those other places.

Unless you want to catch one of those high-speed car chases.