Obamabeer

 There's a new beer in America; a new "King of Beers". Obamabeer.

For all you folks out here who could never afford beer, there is good news. Drinking beer is a right. Not only that, it is a citizen's duty to drink beer.

Affordable beer.

That is why we have passed the new "Affordable Beer Act".

Did you know that there are 40 million Americans who don't drink beer? That is a national disgrace.

Under the new legislation, every American citizen will be required to drink beer. Of course, if you like your present beer, you can keep drinking it (until we drive it out of business, of course). But you will always have Obamabeer.

Under the new law, the quality of beer will be enhanced for all Americans. Henceforth, all beer produced in America will conform to the 2010 Reinheitsgebot (purity law). That means that all American beer will be brewed under strict regulations. The only ingredients allowed will be.....

water. (Hell, you won't even notice the difference.)

And to protect the American market, all those imported beers will be under strict regulations. No more pasteurization or lowered alcohol content; all imported beers will have to be in accordance with American specifications.

Water only.

Now I know many of you are asking the question; what if I don't drink beer-or alcohol? Well, if you don't drink alcohol, you don't have to worry because Obamabeer is 100% water. But what if you drink wine or vodka, but not beer? Of course, you can opt out. However, we will tax you come April for not participating. It's all very convenient, you see. We will take care of everything.

And what will Obamabeer cost? It will be free, of course. We'll just take it out of your taxes, but when you go to the local store, the beer will be free.

Of course, just like anything, too much beer can be a bad thing. That's why the Affordable Beer Act will contain a provision for the establishment of a commission, henceforth to be known as "Commission 86". This will be a group of beer experts, based in Washington DC, who will decide from personal records when each individual has simply had too much. Just like any legitimate drinking establishment, it will be the responsibility of the Commission 86 to draw the line and tell each citizen when they have have had too much beer. After all, beer is a finite resource. There is only so much beer to go around. Every day, hundreds of thousands of Americans are reaching beer drinking age. For that reason, every bartender in America will be required to submit detailed reports to the government on the sale of beer to each customer by name. These reports will be entered into a computer by a to-be-established agency in Washington. Similar regulations will be applied to all liquor stores and markets in America.

Obamabeer. Because beer is not a privilege; it is a right.