Can you believe this boondoggle of a Climate conference is going to last two weeks? Well, if you were a delegate from Guinea-Bissau or someplace like that, you would want this thing to last as long as possible. Being retired from the government and having traveled all over the world (including a useless UN conference on crime in Cairo), I know a thing or two about boondoggles. I guess the 20,000 delegates need two weeks to pass all the crazy resolutions they have planned plus be serviced free of charge by the local hookers. Here's what I expect to happen.
A resolution will be passed blaming global warming on Zionism.
A vote will be held to determine if the conference should be devoted to global warming or global cooling.
"Heads it's warming. Tails it's cooling."
The US delegation will propose a resolution blaming global warming on tea-baggers and request a multi-national UN force to quell the "violent rebellion" in the US.
A resolution will be proposed to cut down on carbon emissions from blogs by one-half by closing down all conservative blogs.
At least one delegate will wander down to the Nyhaven port area of Copenhagen looking for a sailor and wind up floating face down in a canal.
One-third of the delegates will request political asylum in Denmark.
Al Gore will sneak in through the delivery entrance, give a speech, and sneak back out the same exit to his private jet.
Obama will show up the last day and give another one of his stem winder, "people of the world" speeches as the grand finale. Only everybody will fall asleep because they have gotten tired of his oratory.
Arnold Schwarzenegger will grab some woman's behind.
LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa will hook up with some Danish TV news broadcaster.
The live sex shows in the Danish strip clubs will be standing room only.
Danish newspapers will be ordered not to publish any cartoons whatsoever-especially photographs of the conference.
Someone will demand that the Copenhagen Mermaid be covered in a burqa for the duration of the conference. The Danes, of course, will comply.
"There. That's better."
Leonardo Di Caprio will sign 20,000 autographs and give a speech (yes, he's there too.)
Hillary Clinton will be asked 100 times what her husband thinks about global warming.
Ban Ki Moon (UN Secretary General) will declare that the future of humanity hinges on this conference. What? He's already said it? Silly me.
Not one word will be said about the Climategate scandal emanating out of East Anglia University. Whoops, wrong again. The head of the IPCC one Rajendra Pachauri, has already condemned the hacking of the e-mails as a "terrible crime".
That's him above. Scary, ain't he?
Hillary Clinton will piss off every delegation.
Fox News will be excluded.
A wave of gruesome serial murders will rip through Copenhagen. Below is a police composite sketch of the suspect.
Tim Geithner will entertain the delegates with his Rachel Maddow imitation.
Can you tell who is who?
One of the delegates will get badly beaten up on the streets by a gang of toughs. Here he is pictured in the hospital.
The poor man.
Bill Clinton will drop by, pick up a few female delegates, and Hillary won't even know he's in town.
Swiss delegates will be thrown out over the minaret controversy, at which point they will happily return to Switzerland where everything is pristine anyway.
A thirsty Finnish delegate will go on a tour of the Tuborg brewery, dive into a vat of beer and drown. (Inside Scandinavian joke).
A stampede will result at a Danish brothel with thousands of delegates trying to get free sex. Dozens will be trampled to death. Here is one survivor in the hospital.
The poor man.
Oh yes. Everybody will freeze their asses off figuring out how to stop global warming.
"Ohhh, Denmark in Decemberrrrr"
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