The NFL Draft

"And with their first selection, the Oakland Raiders pick....."


Let's take a break from the issues of today that only depress us. Today is NFL Draft Day. Personally, I am watching to see who my Pittsburgh Steelers select-hopefully a stud lineman, but I would like to address the team that is arguably the worst-run organization in football-the Oakland Raiders (of the Lost Games). Please don't wake up Al Davis to tell him I said that.

Today on the Internet, there is an article whose theme is that the Raiders are the one team no one wants to be drafted by. Maybe it's because of Davis, maybe it's their 22 year old head coach (whose name escapes me). At any rate, the Raiders have become the laughing stock of the NFL. So what will they do today? Most "experts" think they will take some running back from Arkansas who, like most Raiders, has a whole host of off-the-field issues. (No, it's not Bill Clinton.)

Speaking of experts, I guess we have to endure two more days of testosterone-loaded Mel Kiper, ESPN's so-called prognosticator. It seems year after year, old Mel gets them all wrong and insults everyone who disagrees with him.

But I digress. Back to the Raiders. What will they do with their draft picks?

Commissioner Roger Goodell: "The Oakland Raiders are on the clock."

In the Raiders command post:

"Listen, forget that running back. Besides, he doesn't have enough tattoos. What we need is a stud offensive lineman.

"Yeah, how about that guy Ross O'Donnell from Kansas State? My bartender tells me he's the best one out there. Really nasty."

"Where the hell is Kansas State?"

"Some place called Manhattan, I think."

"Tattoos?"

"You bet'cha."

"OK, Write it down and send it up to the podium."

Commissioner Roger Goodell:

"With their first pick, the Oakland Raiders select Rosie O'Donnell, offensive talk show host from Manhattan."

And so it will go. Here are my predictions for the Oakland Raiders draft:

2nd round- Barry Bonds (must have at least one more good year left in him)
3rd round- Traded to Pittsburgh for a 7th round pick.
4th round- Keith Olbermann (need a lot of offensive players)
5th round- Janet Reno
6th round- Keith Olbermann (yeah, I know. Same guy. More offense.)

and finally:

Commissioner Roger Goodell:

"With their 7th round pick and final selection in the NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select......Mel Kiper (Mr Irrelevant)."