Monday, December 7, 2015
Like most of you Red Blooded Americans, I was glued to the TV set all day and all night Sunday watching the smash mouth football games. Unfortunately, the daytime fare was pretty disappointing out here on the Left Coast. In the morning edition, we were stuck with the Seattle Seahawks pounding a Minnesota Vikings team that was apparently composed of Danes, Swedes and Norwegians. By the time the score was 35-0, we were told that the station was going to switch to a "more competitive game". I'll say! We were switched to Chicago where the Bad News Bears were tied 13-13 with the Bad News 49ers in the 4th quarter.
Unfortunately, the Battle of the Boobs went into overtime when the Bears soon-to-be former kicker, Robbie Gould, missed the second of two chip shot field goals that would have won the game. You guessed it- the 49ers won.
The afternoon edition gave us a "choice" between the Chargers and Broncos ( a game even James Clapper could have guessed who would win), and the Saints-Panthers game. Some choice. The latter was a surprisingly good game, if you cared who won, which I didn't. The game meant nothing. As for the Chargers, for years now we have been led to think that they are our home team in Orange County, so every Sunday we get a Chargers game whether we want it or not. Unless you're a sadist, you can only watch Philip Rivers get sacked so much.
Then it was time to switch to Washington, where the POTUS was squeezing in his 15-minute address to the nation on how he is degrading and destroying ISIS before getting back upstairs to the living quarters to watch the next game as is his wont. As might be predicted, it was reminiscent of his golf course statement after an American was beheaded. He might as well have stayed upstairs and watched the pre-game show.
Then it was the moment I had been waiting all day for when MY Pittsburgh Steelers would pound the living daylights out of the Luckless Indianapolis Colts. First thing you know Dancing With the Stars star Jacoby Jones was fielding the opening kickoff 9 yards deep in the end zone and dancing out to the 10 yard line where he promptly fumbled the ball. The Steelers might as well have had Tom Bergeron fielding kicks. Later, Jones would fumble a punt, which was fortunately recovered by one of his dancing partners. That was it for Jacoby. He was going home as they say in DWTS.
"Well, Al, I talked to Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, and he told me Jacoby is DONE!"
Maybe Jacoby should have pretended the ball was his dancing partner and held on to it.
Fortunately, the Steelers put it all together the rest of the game winning 45-10. Antonio Brown took over fielding punts and "went all the way" to the end zone where he promptly got hit with a 15-yard penalty for trying to have sex with the goal post, which he must have mistaken for Erin Andrews.
"Using the goal post as a prop", was how the referee charitably described it.
I can hardly wait for tonight when the Dallas Cowboys (Jerry's Team) and the Washington All Stars (I refuse to call them Redskins) resume their "rivalry". I think they are battling for 3rd place in the NFC East.
Meanwhile, somewhere out there on some playground, Robbie Gould is kicking footballs to Jacoby Jones.