Monday, September 21, 2015

John Kerry in the French Foreign Legion

"Piece in our time"

Image result for french john kerry
"Ever tell you about the time I was in the French Foreign Legion?"

Everybody knows that John Kerry has a French background. It has never been disclosed until now, but I have learned that  Kerry actually actually served in the French Foreign Legion about 40 years ago give or take a few. My source, who must remain anonymous for reasons that will be clear to the reader, informs me that Kerry actually learned to speak French fluently while serving in the FFL. Here is the shocking story.

Kerry enlisted in the Legion as a young man and was assigned to a remote desert outpost in North Africa. On this first day at the fort, my source, who was an experienced sergeant, was showing him around and introducing him to the other men. After a while, Kerry asked the sergeant, "Ahem. What do you guys do when you need women?" The sergeant smiled and said, "Well, John. As you can see there are no women at this fort, so when we get horny, we just use old Claude over there."

Kerry looked to where the sergeant was pointing. About 50 meters away was an old camel tied to a hitching post. Kerry was shocked.

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"That's OK, Sergeant. I will do without."

"Up to you," replied my source.

Weeks passed, and Kerry was feeling the lack of women and sex. One day, he approached my source and asked, "Seriously, Sarge. What is a guy supposed to do for sex around here?"

My source smiled, winked and again pointed to the camel standing at the hitching post.

"Use Claude," he replied.

"Disgusting", Kerry said and walked away.

More weeks passed. One night, Kerry was laying on his bunk in his tent. He couldn't stand it any longer. Outside, he heard Claude shuffling at the hitching post.

Suddenly jumping out of bed, Kerry ran outside, sprinted over to Claude, and mounted the beast. As Claude brayed loudly, Kerry pumped as fast as he could thrusting his you-know-what into Claude's you-know-what. The stars in the night sky were exploding. The angels were singing. Finally, Kerry achieved his long-awaited climax.


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The warm afterglow

The next morning, Kerry couldn't wait to tell the great news to my source. Pulling him off to the side, Kerry said, "Sarge. I finally took your advice. Man, old Claude was the best piece I ever had," as he described the thrust by thrust details.

My source listened shocked. Shaking his head, he told Kerry, "You misunderstood. When we get horny, we use old Claude to ride into town. It's only 5 miles away. There's all kinds of girls there."


Siarlys Jenkins said...

You ran that story before. Slipping Kerry's name into it doesn't make it any funnier. By the way, at the time you more or less reference, Kerry was serving in Vietnam. You used to say that this means that Kerry ranks you (in this specific respect) since you (by no choice of yours) were assigned to MP duty in Germany. Now you come off with this attempt at humor that could be considered a parody on all Americans who served honorably in combat roles in Vietnam.

Gary Fouse said...

Absurd. I would never parody that. Whatever parodies, jokes or criticisms of Kerry are about his post service activities. You know that.