Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Fousesquawk Exclusive!!: DB Cooper Identified!!
Thanks to ace investigative work by your intrepid blogger, forensic artist, and investigator, the infamous skyjacker DB Cooper has finally been identified. (Can't make this up, Folks.)
It was in 1971 that a man only identified as DB Cooper took over a plane between Portland and Seattle, demanded and received a ransom of $200,000, then parachuted over the Northwest forests. The FBI opined that he probably landed in some trees and never survived the jump. At any rate, DB Cooper vanished into thin air.
To solve this case, I traveled the Western states for the past five years in search of DB Cooper. I went to San Francisco in search of witnesses who may have remembered him.
"You guys seen DB Cooper?"
I scoured the coffee shops of Seattle looking for the biggest spenders of latte.
"Nobody wears sunglasses around here, Pal."
I even drove through the deserts of Nevada looking for clues.
Finally, I put my artistic talents to use as I have over the years at Fousesquawk. I drew a recreation of what DB Cooper would probably look like today after 46 years on the lam with all that money. Still, it was like having a set of latent prints from a crime scene with nothing to match them to. I had a picture, but who matched the picture? Somewhere, there was an old guy out there with a lot of unexplained wealth.
Then just last night, I was laying in bed watching C-Span and watching some old fart prattle on about some nonsense on the Senate floor when it hit me like a thunderbolt. I jumped out of bed and pulled out my artist depiction of what DB Cooper would look like today. It was him!!! It was DB Cooper!! And then I remembered Tonopah, Nevada. It was right in front of me all the time and I didn't even know it.
"I swear, Officer. I fell off my treadmill."
I am waiting for the Justice Department to announce the arrest, but I understand they are too busy investigating Hillary Clinton to open up some cold case file.