To all comrades, freedom fighters, mujihadeen, occupiers, anarchists, and traveling salesmen,
I bring you greetings from my parents' basement where I am issuing a call to arms! The world cannot wait for action. Look around, comrades. Everywhere you look, the forces of reaction and counter revolution are around us. People are dying in Syria. People are dying in Afghanistan (usually by car bombs). People are dying in Nigeria, Egypt, Sudan, Libya, Pakistan, and Iraq. Our brothers in Hamas are starving in Gaza. And is all the fault of the state of Israel and their running dog allies, the Americans. That is why we must support the BDS movement against Israel. Just as Comrade Adolf said in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, it is all a big Jewish conspiracy against the working people of Somalia, Pakistan and North Korea. He said that, and nobody believed him. They laughed. They are not laughing now.
Meanwhile, Global Warming continues unabated while people in the Northeast are shivering through another severe winter. The cost of fuel is becoming so high that Comrade Al has to fly on commercial airplanes full of bourgeoisie to spread his revolutionary message to the masses around the world. And what do the masses do? They laugh at him. I know they laugh. I heard them laugh.
Just as our brothers and sisters did this weekend when they braved the cold to demonstrate in Washington against Global Warming, we need to stop needless projects like the Keystone Pipeline, which would steal business from our comrades in Saudi Arabia, Libya and Venezuela-by any means necessary. We can run our cars on solar energy and wind energy while saving the planet.
"Who needs gas, by Jove?"
Turning to our closest neighbors in the hemisphere, have we forgotten the words of Comrade Fidel's closest adviser, friend and fellow-fighter, Che Rivera? If so, I invite you to read them again.
Yes, Cuba is the model! From curing Hugo Chavez of cancer to the world-famous annual Cuban Regatta, the tiny island nation proves the success of communism. Inspired for decades by their comrades in the Soviet Union, the spirit of Lenin lives.
Lenin Lives! (Why, he looks like he is sleeping.)
Heroic Soviet mechanic examining a truck just off the assembly line in a Soviet factory
And what about the unions? Who killed Jimmy Hoffa? The Amerikan worker is under constant threat from selfish scabs who want to hang on to every penny they make off the backs of union workers without giving us our fair share. Fat cat employers want to collude with scabs to pay them a salary they both conspire to agree on-cutting us out of the pie.
In addition, From Tunisia, to Pakistan, to Nigeria, and Somalia, we see how the progressive forces of post-colonialism have brought peace and happiness to the Workers. They are heralded in our universities by such exalted intelligentsia as Ward Churchill, Norman Finkelstein, Bill Ayres, and Cornel West.
But all this is under threat. The violent counter-revolutionaries at the Tea Party continue to commit human rights abuses upon the peace-loving Occupy movement. Once-popular news outlets like the New York Times, LA Times, Washington Post and Daily Worker are being forced to cancel print editions and go on-line due to declining readership. They must now compete with right-wing blogs. On TV, Fox News is providing unfair competition to our truth squads at CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, and MSNBC. Comrade Ed Schultz reacted just the other day by proclaiming, "I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
Most assuredly, help is on the way. We have managed to put comrades in positions of power.
But our Progressive comrades in Washington are under constant threat from the next election. We continually need to get out the vote until the revolution is complete, and it won't be necessary to have elections and dig up votes.
And as Comrade Obama says, the re-distribution of wealth must be done NOW. Too many selfish tax payers and rich people are holding onto their ill-gotten gains at the expense of THE PEOPLE. I call for a mass confiscation of wealth and re-distribution of stuff to the masses. Comrade Obama doesn't need the agreement of the Kongress. He needs to act. I propose a 90% income tax on anything over $20,000 a year. That way, the money will go to those who deserve it.
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In conclusion, I present a list of non-negotiable demands:
1 Open borders. Everyone on this planet has the right to come to Amerika, just as we have the right to enter any country we choose at any time. It's only fair.
2 Direct Janet Napolitano and her DHS to round up all counter-revolutionaries and right-wingers. She has already identified them as the biggest threat to our country. She already has the operational plan in place and has ordered the necessary ammunition. All that is left is to make the arrests and send them to the appropriate re-education camps, such as Harvard, Columbia, Yale, UC Santa Cruz and Berkeley, etc.
3 Break diplomatic relations with Israel and abandon them to their fate. Real Politik should be the order of the day. We have no time for inconvenient little democracies inhabited by a few million inconvenient little people. It is more important to have the UN on our side along with the progressive societies of countries like Iran, Egypt, Sudan, Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, Nigeria, Russia, China and Bolivia.
4 Release all political prisoners.
From the Uni-bomber to the Blind Sheikh, to Guantanamo, a lot of prison space needs to be freed up for the new political prisoners (see point 2).
5 Outlaw the Republican Party. That will be easy since there are very few left, and most of the heretofore Republican voters will go along with the idea. Do you really think they are going to miss John Boehner?
6 Outlaw religion. (I got this one from John Lennon.) Let me clarify that because, naturally, some folks will always cling to their guns and religion. I propose we whittle them all down to one religion under one large, world-wide community. We could call it a caliphate or something like that. Exactly what form that religion would take should be settled by the UN. They could turn it over to whatever their largest voting bloc is for a final decision.
I await your final choice, Amerika. Power to the People!!