Saturday, April 14, 2012

Campus Dragnet-UC Santa Cruz (America's Wackiest University)

This is the campus, the University of California at Santa Cruz aka "America's Wackiest University". UCSC is home to some 30,000 students, probably just as many professors, and almost as many administrators. It's a pretty diverse bunch. We have liberals, ultra-liberals, leftists, radicals, Marxists, Leninists, Stalinists, Trotskyites, jihadists, and Democrats. In addition, there's a great curricula at UCSC. Students have a wide range of choices to study, Community Studies, History of Consciousness, Marxist theory, revolutionary Spanish, revolutionary German, revolutionary French, communist math, and so on. In addition, the professors are not just a bunch of theorists; they bring real life experience to the classroom. They've been there and done that. As for activities, UCSC has it all, protests, anti-Israel hate fests, occupies, sit-ins; there's never a dull moment.

That's where I come in. I'm a cop (campus cop, that is).

It was a warm Tuesday afternoon. My partner and I were writing parking tickets when a call came over the radio.

"See the man at Lenin Plaza."

"10-4. Let's roll."

See the man, Hell! It was a million-man sit-in going on. Seems they were angry about something or other. The soda machines had raised their prices by a quarter, and they were not going to take it sitting down. (Well, actually, they were sitting down. The problem was they were not going to take it getting up.)

But that wasn't the problem. No, the real problem was that none of these pukes seemed to have taken a bath for weeks. They were creating a real environmental problem-endangering the planet no less. The first thing we did was don our gas masks. Then we ordered them to all take a shower.

They refused our lawful orders multiple times.

So we decided it they wouldn't go to the showers, the showers would come to them.

It didn't work. The place still reeked, nobody moved, and it was creating a real health hazard. That's when our chief arrived on the scene driving a special SWAT vehicle full of bathroom deodorant spray.

We sprang into action.

We had all different scents, lemon, rose, orange blossom, cherry-apricot, island mist, pepper-you name it, we had it. Eventually, we got things under control. In fact, I hear SFPD (That's San Francisco Police Department for all you UCSC Community Studies majors)  is doing a study to see which of the scents we used was most effective.

There was one problem; one really scruffy-looking guy refused to go take a shower. He was so out of control that we had to arrest him and take him downcampus to be booked (and bathed). When I asked him what his major was, he became even more angry. Imagine my surprise when he told me he was a professor of German!

Well, now you know the facts. In fact, that was my last pinch. The next day, we were all fired because we had used up all the school's supply of air freshener, and the bathrooms were getting all smelly. Sad because the bathrooms used to smell better than any other place on campus.

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