I have just decided; I want to have Charlie Sheen's baby.
Charlie had to go to an LA hospital this week. According to the story going around LA, Charlie had a party at his mansion with five babes, including two porn stars and a briefcase-full of cocaine.
The diagnosis is that Charlie suffered a hernia.
Which is a perfect segue into our next story. President Obama has done what all presidents do after a state of the union speech. He hopped a plane to Bullsnuts, Wisconsin, where he inspected a green widget factory and gave a speech. You gotta hand it to Obama. He knows how to spend our money. First, during the State of the Union, he drags in a couple of brothers who run some kind of business he approves of. Now he drags the staff and Secret Service off to Wisconsin for a photo op.
Which is another perfect segue into our next story-Egypt. Yes. While Obama is talking about green jobs in Wisconsin, the Middle East is burning-first in Tunisia and now in Egypt. And if you think democracy is on the march in Egypt-think again. All I know is that my friend from a previous blog, Ahmed the flag-maker, is about to expand his business to Egypt-and Tunisia.
And if that isn't ridiculous enough, Joe Biden told an interviewer this week that Hosni Mubarak is not a dictator!
"He's no dictator. Why, he's the Lone Ranger."
In Britain (another country that's sinking fast) the government has reacted to the events in Egypt with alarm.
But there is good news. George Galloway will soon be allowed back into Egypt-as an honored guest no less.
Now for the bad news. Remember back in 1979 when Jimmy Carter helped grease the skids for the Shah of Iran?
Let's imagine this scenario. Mubarak is given sanctuary in the US. The Muslim Brotherhood takes power in Egypt. The new regime demands the extradition of Mubarak. The US Embassy is stormed and our diplomats are taken hostage.
"Play it again, Sam."
But there is more great news. Yesterday, somebody e-mailed me the latest video of Yvonne Ridley's pals in the Taliban stoning someone to death in Afghanistan.
Yes, indeed, Multiculturalism in action. It's the usual scenario. A 19-year-old girl refuses to marry some old fart her "Dear old Dad" wants her to marry. She gets caught with her real boyfiriend and both are stoned to death as the crowd shouts something like "Ollie Ollie oxen free!"
But there is more good news. Our illustrious State Department has a solution for all this barbarity, you see.
"Good news, Archibald. We have just received the new batch of gender-neutral visa applications."
Immigrant visas. That's right. We need to bring these folks to the US so they can see our way of life then demand that we adopt their way of life. Hey! It's already working in the UK, where shariah law is being accepted in certain communities. Why no less an authority than the Archbishop of Canterbury (wherever the Hell that is) is urging that the British nation must adapt itself to shariah law.
Rowan Williams- Archbishop of Canterbury
But there is more good news......
The Steelers are in the Super Bowl.