Saturday, March 21, 2009
Government Takes Over Detroit Lions
Detroit Lions-under new ownership
In a stunning development today, the United States Government has taken over control of the Detroit Lions football team that went 0-16 last season. In a press conference this morning, government officials promised Lions fans that better days were ahead.
When asked by reporters for specifics, the officials were quick to list the items on their agenda:
1 All players and coaches from last year are being retained and their salaries tripled.
2 Those players cut or traded during last season will receive "severance payouts" amounting to 10-45 million dollars per player.
3 The monies listed above will be taxed, however, at 90%.
4 Senator Chris Dodd will take over as President and CEO, while Representative Barney Frank will be the general manager.
"Losing is not an option!!"
5 The Lions team jet has been confiscated. Bus rides should make them tougher, according to one government official, who asked not to be named.
6 During next year's Super Bowl (in case the Lions aren't playing) all players, coaches and executives will spend a week at the Super Bowl in a first-class resort with parties, gourmet dinners, hookers, and seats on the 50 yerd line.
7 A new domed stadium
8 Finally, an exitiing new logo representing the team's bold new leadership.
(Order your Lions merchandise online at http:www.lionssuck.gov)
9 Oh yeah, ticket prices to Lions games will be tripled (first come, first served).
"Would you please rise and............."