Ted and Dick

N Hello?




K Hey Dick, it's me, Ted.

N Why are you calling me?




K I heard you had an earthquake out there in California.

N Yeah, we did.

K Where was it centered?

N La Habra.

K Where the Hell is that?



N It's near LA. Don't you remember? Isn't that where you gave a campaign speech in Spanish and you were drunk and started singing, "Jalisco, no te rajes"?

K- Get out! So now it's "La Habra no te rajes."

N- That's right.

K So where were you when it hit?

N  Is that a joke? Actually, I was driving with my aunt Betty, and when it happened, we ran off the bridge into a pond.

K Get out, er, I mean did you get out OK?



N Yeah, I did, but Aunt Betty wasn't so lucky. You know how it is.

K I think you're pulling my leg, wise guy.

N You're right. I didn't feel a thing. Hey Ted. What did you say the name of that new president is, I keep forgetting, Rock-a-rama or something like that, wasn't it?

K Barack Usama.

N How's he doing?

K You don't wanna know.



N Is he getting along OK with Brezhnev?

K It's not Brezhnev anymore. It's Putin.

N Who?

K Putin. He's the new president of Russia.

N Putin. Kinda has a nice ring to it. I'll bet thanks to my Detente policy, we and Russia are best of friends now, right?




K Well, not exactly. We kinda restarted  that whole deal.

N Too bad. All my great work down the toilet. What about China?

K Oh, China's doing great. The First Lady is over there as we speak.

N Doing what? Sightseeing and shopping, I'll bet.




K Oh no, it's all about education, youth empowerment and people to people contact.

N Funny. I haven't seen any photos. Aren't the newsies traveling with her?

K Not exactly. No photos are allowed.




N  I dig it. That way when they're loading up Air Force One with Tai Ping carpets and Ming vases, nobody knows. Cool. Anyway's, how's the family?

K Great-you wanna say hello?

N Nah. What do you hear from that nephew of yours, Michael? He should be eligible for parole in about 40 years, I figure.



K Oh, you didn't hear? He's out.

N Get out! What happened?

K He got a new trial because he had an incompetent attorney, you know.

N Well, you know those public defenders.

K Public defender, Hell! Mickey Sherman was his lawyer. You know we only hire the best.

N So how come he was incompetent?



K Uhh, listen, I gotta go. (click)