Hat tip Bleed Cubbie Blue
So much for feeling you are back in the 1930s.
As we all know by now, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is determined to transform Wrigley Field into a combination of the Toronto Blue Jays' Wonderdome or whatever they call it and the Arizona D-backs' rhinestone cattle market in Phoenix. Here are some proposed changes.
This will be the new Cub bullpen. It will be named the Carlos Marmol Memorial Bullpen. It comes with a 5-star restaurant, which will be named, "The Blown Save Cafe". As you can see, it will be well-lit so the Cub relievers can see home plate.
Yes, Cubs Plaza, which will form a grand bridge entrance to the ballpark on Clark Street. It takes its inspiration from Albert Speer's design for a renovated Berlin. (World War II got in the way, however (heh heh).
No ballpark would be complete without a skating rink instead of a parking lot. If you want to catch one of those homers, you better tie on your skates.
Hotel and office building too. The hotel will feature a huge conference room for the visiting teams to celebrate their wins.
The new concourse will be inspired by the South Coast Plaza Mall in Orange County. In fact, shortstop Starlin Castro will have his own barbecue joint here featuring everybody's favorite, the E-5 Dog. He'll be available outside the store to sign autographs between pitches in the top half of every inning.
That still leaves one problem as the above picture clearly shows. Even with that humongous scoreboard in left field, those pesky roof top owners can still see into the field, so here is what the Cubs have decided to do:
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"Takbir!!"
First of all, we construct a mega-mosque on Waveland Avenue for Sunnis. Then we construct a mega-mosque on Sheffield for Shia. Those so-uncomfortable bleachers and outdated scoreboard plus the new scoreboard have to go (sorry Jesse Jackson and sons). Who wants to know the score anyway? Now those roof-top owners will be out of business because nobody will be able to see past the mosques. In fact, there will be no rooftops because the buildings will be torn down to make way for the mosques. In addition, it will instill a new spirit of victory for the team and bring in new fans.
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And now, please direct your attention to the left field minaret and join Anjem Choudary as he sings, 'Take me out to the ballgame.'"
And as for that Clark Street bridgeway, well, we've changed our minds about that. As you can see, we have moved it in the center where the old scoreboard was so it connects the two mosques. Why?
That's for the two competing armies.
And if this doesn't work? We'll just put a dome over the whole thing and forget about it.
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Welcome to the Friendly Confines"
I wonder what Harry Carey would say.
"Holy Sh**!".