Who Murdered Lady Ashton on the Orient Express?

The book Agatha Christie never wrote

Cast of characters:

Baroness Lady Catherine Ashton of Great Britain, European Union head of foreign affairs.

Prince Charles, of Whales

"That's Wales, damn it!"

Camilla Parker Bowles, Duchess of Corncob





Herman van Rompuy of Belgium, President of European Union




Nigel Farage, British member of European Parliament



George Galloway, member of British Parliament

Dominique Strauss-Kahn of France



Hillary Clinton, US Secretary of State

Cynthia Schnedar-Inspector General of the US Justice Department




At 2 minutes past midnight on a sweltering July night, the Orient Express chugged its way out of Istanbul en route to Paris. On board was a diplomatic delegation from the Western powers following a week-long round of negotiations with Iran on its nuclear weapons production, as well as with Russia and China on the question of what to do about Syria. Everyone in the delegation was understandably exhausted and immediately retired to their respective cabins. Soon they were all asleep, lulled into a deep slumber by the clickity-clack of the train rolling through the dark countryside.


Clickity-clack. Clickity-clack.

  
The following evening, as the train rolled through Romania, Lady Ashton held a dinner reception in the wagon-restaurant for the entire delegation to celebrate their diplomatic successes in Istanbul. To whit:

1 Iran had agreed to another round of negotiations three months hence.
2 Russia and China had issued statements deploring the violence in Syria.

Yet, as the champagne glasses clinked, the atmosphere was tense. It was as if everyone was just going through the motions of trying to be diplomatic.




The next morning, a porter knocked on the door of Lady Ashton's cabin to wake her. Receiving no answer, he opened the door and discovered the most horrible sight. There, lying on the cabin floor was the dead body of Lady Ashton with her face beaten to a pulp. Below is a photo of the dead body exactly as it was discovered by the porter (viewer warning-graphic).








There were a number of likely suspects among the delegation. There were several possible motives. For example, Ms Clinton, in her final days as First Lady, had expressed a desire to be appointed as head of foreign affairs for the EU. The post, however, was filled by Lady Ashton when it was pointed out that Clinton wasn't even a European, thus, was ineligible to fill the position. It was at that time that Ms Clinton bought a house in New York and became a New York senator.

Suspicion also focused on Nigel Farage, who had given a blistering speech in the European Parliament when it was announced that Lady Ashton had been appointed head of foreign affairs. Farage charged that she had absolutely no experience and qualifications for the job.

Van Rompuy was also looked at with suspicion. There was just something strange about this quiet little man who looked like a "low-grade bank teller". For those who always say, "The butler did it", van Rompuy certainly fir the profile.

As for the Prince of Whales,


"Wales, damn it!"

...Prince of Wales, many had questioned why he was part of the delegation to begin with. Some had said he was chosen to go by Queen Elizabeth simply because he had nothing else to do in his spare time. All he did in Istanbul was stand around with his hands clasped behind his back. His wife, Camilla, also raised hackles when she was consistently confused by the Iranians, Chinese, and Russians for Lady Ashton due to their similar features.

Strauss-Kahn was always a suspect, especially if it involved any kind of attack against women. In fact, while in Istanbul, he had never left his hotel.

As for George Galloway, everyone agreed he was a nut. In addition, it was an established fact that he was a friend and supporter of both Iran and Syria.

Since the train was still in Romania and that country had not had a criminal case since the Ceaucescus were tried and sentenced, the EU requested immediate assistance from the US. By a stroke of luck the Inspector General of the US Justice Department, Cynthia Schnedar, happened to be in the middle of a European vacation taking a well-earned rest from her year-long investigation into Operation Fast and Furious, which was going nowhere as she labored through the impossible task of reviewing some 85,000 evidentiary documents. Her boss (and close friend) Attorney General Eric Holder had suggested she prolong her stay in Europe to tale over the investigation of the death of Lady Ashton and stay no matter how long it took to solve the case. She met the train at the next stop and went on board to commence her investigation. Her first job was to interview everyone.

Yet, it seemed everyone had an alibi. Galloway had left the party early (about 10 pm) after sipping a bit too much bubbly. He was escorted by an aide, which was witnessed by everyone.

 After returning to his cabin, he remained in bed the remainder of the evening. His story was corroborated by a witness.

Ms Clinton stated that she returned to her cabin at about 10:30 and spent the next several hours trying to call her husband in the States. When asked if she actually spoke with Mr Clinton, she said that she had not been able to reach him, and that she kept getting a voice recording that he "was out for the evening".


Strauss-Kahn stated that he left the party at 11:15, returned to his cabin and immediately assaulted a chambermaid who came to turn his pillow. His account was corroborated by the chambermaid.


Van Rompuy was seen leaving the party alone shortly after it started with a book in his hand. A porter saw him enter his cabin alone with a book in his hand at 8:10. The book was entitled, "Euro Man's Great Adventure".

Farage left the party alone at 9:00 to work on his next speech before the European Parliament, in which he planned to attack both van Rompuy and Lady Ashton.


As for Charles and Camilla, they were observed sitting in their cabin well after midnight. In fact, a photographer snapped this image of them in their bedclothes from the station platform as the train pulled through Bucharest:









It seemed everybody had an alibi.

To make matters worse, the power on the train went out, and it was unbearably hot on board. Due to lack of refrigeration, Lady Ashton's body was beginning to decompose in the brutal July heat, and the odor was becoming unbearable. (Viewer warning-graphic).







Somebody suggested to Schnedar that it might be a good idea to do an autopsy on the body  (while there was still something left to autopsy). Schnedar agreed and a Romanian pathologist was summoned.


As the train continued its journey through Europe, Schnedar, out of leads, sat back to await the findings of the Romanian pathologist.

So who killed Lady Ashton? Tune in next year.

* Here's a clue: There were rumors that Lady Ashton suffered from an incurable condition known as B.U.S. Could this have something to do with her mysterious death?