Hi. James Clapper here, director of National Intelligence. I know you think I'm here because it's football season again, and I'm gonna give you my famous Fousesquawk "Locks of the Week" and predict that the Decatur Staleys will win this year's Super Bowl. I got something even better.
You see, with all my intelligence resources, algorithms, meta-bases, and Fousesquawk, I can predict just about anything from back here in my puzzle palace in Washington. Even Brennan over at CIA hasn't figured it out yet. (Never will.) But I'm here to share it all with you, the betting public. I have come up with a betting system that is absolutely foolproof. Here's how it works.
Take any 5-day span and lay a bet that within that span, a deadly bombing attack will take place in either Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Iraq. It's that simple. No need to go to the 7-11 and buy power ball tickets then sit in front of the TV watching some babe on WGN shoot ping pong balls out of a hopper. All you gotta do is go to your computer and follow Fousesquawk. (Don't forget to click the ads. Gary gets huge fortunes from that.) Just watch for the breaking news out of those three, er countries. When you see the post, "Let's Play What the Hell Happened Today in Afghanistan, Iraq or Pakistan?" you're a winner! And the more people get killed, the more you win!
And how did I figure it all out? Simple. Just go back through the past year's Fousesquawk archives. We fed it into our computer and it's all there in black and white. It's called "chatter", and it's documented. On the average during the past year, there has been at least one attack in those three , er countries every five days.
The stats don't lie.
So what are you waiting for? My agents are standing by waiting for your call.
And don't forget football season. My contacts are checking out the training camps of all 33 teams as I speak-including the Decatur Staleys, who I think are this year's dark horse.
"How 'bout them Staleys?"
No comments:
Post a Comment