Ted Kennedy Calls Into the Rush Limbaugh Show

-Ted in Arlington, Virginia, you're on the Rush Limbaugh show.

-Rush, it's me, Ted Kennedy.

-Senator Kennedy. But you're dead.

-No, I'm Ted. Well, yes, I am dead too. Anyway, thanks for taking my call. Seems like I've been waiting on hold for ovah a yeah.

-You sound like you are underwater. We must have a bad connection.

-Anothah Chappaquidick joke. Very funny. Actually, I'm 6 feet undah. Listen, news travels slow heah, but one of my neighbors infahms me that they bumped off Obama. Is it true?

-Well, no Senator. That was Osama, not Obama. Actually, you can say that Obama bumped off Osama.

-Oh yeah. I always did get those two confused. Hey, I also heah that that guy in North Korea, Kim Jong something or othah was ill. I was going to send him a get well cahd.

-Actually, that's Kim Jong Il and he's dead too. Now his son, Kim Jong Un, is the next president. They're calling him the Great Successor.

-The Great Successah? Sounds like that old Platters tune. That was supposed to be my title. Say! What's the latest with that Republican primary? I heard my name came up in one of the debates.

-That's right, Ted. Somebody reminded Romney about the time you defeated him for Senator of Massachusetts.

-Defeated him? That job belonged to me, you know. It was just a formality. Is it really true that old faht Gingrich is running for president with all those wives that he was cheating on? He shoulda talked to me first.

-You uh, weren't available.

-That's right. I was dead. Anyway, which one are you going to vote fahr?

-Whoever gets the nomination, he or she has my vote against Obama, Senator.

-That's OK, Rush. I'll just cancel out your vote when I vote for Osama.

-That's Obama, Senator, but how can you vote? You are, uh, dead, you know.

-Doesn't mattah, Rush. I'm a Democrat, you know.

-Oh yes, I forgot.

-Rush, heah's an insidah tip on the election next yeah. Osama, ah ra, Obama's not gonna carry the Hispanic vote this time. Even that faht Dick Mahrris won't tell you that.

-How so?

- Because he won't have me to campaign for him in Califahnia and Texas and sing Jalisco no te Rajes like last time. That was the clincha.

- Dick never told me that.

-Hey Rush, How's my pal Bahney Frank doing?

- He's retiring, Thank God.

- I know. I know. Didn't you read my tribute to Bahney on Fousesquawk?

-Who?

- Neveh mind. Just tell him I reserved a spot for him heah in Ahlington.

- Next to you?

- Ah ra....no. Actually, it's on the fah side of the cemetery. I picked it out myself. I'm saving the spot next to me for Debbie Wassahman-Schultz. She's a hottie. Always liked those Florida babes, y'know. But back to Bahney. Did you see that sweatah he was wearing in the House of Representatives the othah day?

- You bet. I'd say it was a little tight on him. You could never fit into that.

- I can now. You should see me now. I've discovehd the best diet around. It's called death. Don't have to watch what you eat. You don't have to exercise, and the weight just melts right off you. Satisfaction guaranteed.

- Listen, Senator. I'm glad you called. I have to go now. I'm coming up on a hard break.

- Ah ra, that's what I could use-a hahd break. Haven't had one since you know when.