Obama Announces Government Takeover of Nation's Sewage System

President Obama today announced that the federal government, in an effort to eliminate waste, is nationalizing the nation's sewage systems, which had up to now been operated by the individual states.

Obama, in overriding certain states' rights objections, told reporters at the White House that the time to act is now.

"Doing nothing is not an option", stated the President. He urged Congress to get up off its butt and pass the needed legislation.

The President also announced the creation of a new agency in Washington to run the program, the Department of Transportation of Urban and Rural Disposal (T.U.R.D.). As part of the President's efforts to "reach across the aisle", he introduced Republican Senator Larry Craig as the new head of the department.


The TURD Czar.


In his own remarks, Craig said that he accepted the position because he saw it as an opportunity to break down walls between those on opposite sides.


The President added that this will be a cabinet-level position.


When asked for specifics, the President stated that under the new program, every household in America will be outfitted with new government, one-size fits all toilets, whose pipes will all feed into a central line that runs directly to Washington DC.

"All roads will lead to Washington", said Obama.

In addition, as an incentive, each new toilet will come with a free chicken.

"A chicken in every pot"

One reporter asked what would happen to those homeowners who don't want to change their toilets.

"If you are happy with the toilet you have, fine", said the President. "However, those who refuse to sign up will have to pay an additional 3% of their income in taxes and their old toilets will be automatically blocked up once the new program takes effect."

When asked how much the program will cost, the President estimated about 1.5 trillion dollars. That means that taxes will now have to be raised on the top 75% of wage-earners or those Americans making over $5,000 a year.

"We will be asking the richest Americans to pay their fair share."

White House reporter Helen Thomas, seemingly alone in her scepticism, asked what will happen to the nation's waste once it all reaches Washington.



To that, the President (appearing slightly annoyed) responded that he would appoint a bi-partisan blue ribbon commission to work out the finer details.

Immediate reaction to the President's latest plan appears mixed. Reached on his private jet, Al Gore was enthusiastic.


"We only have 10 years to implement this important program before it's too late," said the former Vice-President.

On the other hand, conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh was less impressed.

"Sounds like a bunch of crap to me."