It is the year 2019. Former vice president Joe Biden, now 77 and living in a retirement home in Delaware, sits amid his awards from a lifetime of public service. (The one on the lower far right is for following ISIS to the gates of Hell.) Joe doesn't get out much these days. Usually, he sits by the phone waiting for the DNC to call him and ask him to run against President Trump in 2020. He has tried to call Keith Ellison, the DNC chair, but Ellison never returns his calls. Joe has sworn not to shave until he becomes president.
Once a week, Joe wanders down to the local 7-11 for a cup of coffee and a chance to practice speaking Urdu with the cashiers. He regales them with tales about how close he was to Benazir Bhutto, who was the prime minister of Pakistan until she was assassinated. According to urban legend, her last words were, "Call Joe."
Occasionally, the nursing home has to send a search party out for Joe when he doesn't come back for dinner. If he's not at the 7-11, he can usually be found at the local cemetery where he is attending a state funeral representing President Obama and the US.
Back in the warmth of the nursing home, Joe asks if Keith Ellison has called. (He hasn't.)
As you can see by the top photo, Joe is wearing glasses now. In fact, he has to stand to see the upper row of awards. (The one in the middle is for Iraq, which was the greatest achievement of the Obama administration-according to Joe.)
If anyone sees Keith Ellison, please tell him to call Joe. He is waiting.
And waiting.
Whenever Joe Biden tried to run for president on his own, he stayed in single digits, due to a tendency to put his foot in his mouth, and occasionally to plagiarize speeches from British Labor Party leaders. Within hours of his inauguration as vice president, President Obama had to correct his misunderstanding of his initial duties. He's not a bad guy, and he was a decent senator from Delaware, but he should never never never run for president again. If he does, the results will surpass the accomplishments of Walter Mondale in 1984.
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