The Day Hillary Clinton Died

"It's over."


Do you remember what you were doing when you heard that Hillary Clinton had died? I sure do, but I won't say because this is a family blog. (Here's a hint.)



Let's just say I heard the news on MSNBC, (blaring from an adjacent room) where Ed "Butter and Egg Man" Schultz was blubbering like a baby (which he usually does anyway). He was announcing the news that Hillary had collapsed while speaking in front of some adoring women's group about how she wanted to get the money out of politics. Initially, it was suspected that the laughter of the audience had drowned out the gun shot, but there were no apparent wounds when they reached her lifeless corpse. In addition, nobody had jumped onto the stage and yelled, "Sic tyrannus finitas" or something like that.

No lead: Just dead.

The autopsy was conducted by famed conspiracy mortician, Cyril Wecht, who tried to determine if it was a heart attack. He promptly went on Larry King Live and pronounced that he had been unable to locate a heart. A conspiracy, indeed.

At any rate, it was time to prepare for a state funeral. Unfortunately, the Clintons were flat broke, so Bill had to rush off to Nigeria to make a $700,000 speech in order to help pay for it. At the last minute, the Saudis announced that they would pay for the other half.

And a grand affair it was. As the body lay in state in a closed casket in the Capitol rotunda, Nancy Pelosi looked on and announced that they would have to open the casket to find out what was in it. President Obama couldn't be there since he was on a fund-raising tip to California, but he sent Josh Earnest, his spokeshole, to represent him. In the front row sat Huma Abedin dressed in mourning black, her husband, Anthony Wiener there to console her.

After the service, the casket was loaded onto a horse-drawn carriage and taken to Union Station. From Washington, the train proceeded to Hillary's home state of New York. From Grand Central Station, a hearse carried the flag (Saudi) draped coffin on a last circle around Yankee Stadium, home of Hillary's favorite baseball team, the Yankees.

Then it was back on the train and down to Hillary's home state of Arkansas, where she had served as First Lady and the state's greatest attorney. Escorted by her beloved state troopers, Hillary's casket lay in front of the state capitol building while friends gave testimonials and tributes to how she had learned to speak Southern while in Little Rock. At one point, they played a recording of her immortal, "No how, no way" speech. There wasn't a dry eye anywhere. After a final pass in front of the Rose Law Firm, Hillary was once again loaded on a train to take her to her home state of Illinois.

Arriving in Chicago, a hearse took her on one last pass around Wrigley Field, home of her favorite baseball team, the Cubs, who pledged to win a World Series in her memory. Then it was on to Mt Carmel Cemetery, where other prominent Chicagoans were buried, people like Al Capone, Bugs Moran, Gus Savage, and Legs Diamond.

After the service, a reception was hosted by Bill.



Today, in keeping with Hillary's wishes, her final resting place is marked by a simple stone marker.