The Day John Kerry Died

John Kerry in retirement in a photo taken shortly before his death

June 14, 2028

I clearly remember the day John Kerry died. It was a sunny day in 2023 in Washington DC. Kerry, who was in retirement, had come down from Boston to attend a ceremony at the White House in which President Hillary Clinton was receiving the new ambassador from the Islamic State, a former ISIS fighter named Bary or something like that. Also present was that other famous Barry, Obama, that is. Just minutes after Bary had presented his credentials, Kerry slumped to the floor. Thirteen hours later, a doctor was called on the orders of President Clinton. Upon arriving, the doctor took one look at Kerry and said, "This man is as stiff as a board."

"Check his pulse, Doc," President Clinton said. "He's always stiff as a board."

Checking Kerry's pulse, the doctor said, "You're right. He still has a pulse. His heart is still beating."

Someone in the crowd turned to another and said, "He has a heart?"

Nevertheless, within minutes, the pulse was gone and old John Kerry was ready to bury.

Well, not quite. There were several formalities to go through. Kerry's wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, was notified-in five different languages. In addition, an autopsy was conducted and cause of death was determined to be due to a rectal embolism. The late night comics had a field day with that saying that Kerry had died due to a flaming asshole. What poor taste.

Then there were the funeral arrangements. In keeping with Kerry's wishes, he was to be buried at sea off of Cape Cod. The services were attended by dignitaries from all over Martha's Vineyard. In addition, the ambassador from  Gaza was there. The Israeli ambassador to the US sent his personal driver as a representative. Many tears were shed-by more than one, I might add.

Finally, Kerry's body, still stiff as a board, was borne out to sea and was gently laid  beneath the waves. I was there and managed to capture this image of the historic moment.