Dragnet UC Santa Barbara

This is the campus: UC Santa Barbara. Some call it "UC Skate Board". That's because most of the students get around campus either on skate boards or bicycles. It can be a pretty dangerous place if you are a pedestrian. It can also be pretty dangerous if you are a pro-life demonstrator or a Ted Cruz tea-bagger. All in all, it keeps me busy. My name is Friday. I'm a campus cop.



It was a Monday morning. My partner and I were at the local Dunkin Donuts trying to recover from a long weekend battling bottle-throwing students at the annual Deltopia spring break. We were hoping for a quiet Monday of writing parking tickets and investigating hit and run bike accidents at the campus traffic circle for bikes. It was not to be.

"One Adams Apple, report to Girvatz Hall. Report of assault."

"10-4. Request backup."

It was the call no campus cop wanted to hear. Girvatz Hall was the home of the gigantic Ethnic Studies Department, two 6-story buildings, occupied by radical professors who don't like cops.



As we approached the entrance to the building, we were met by ten other cops in full riot gear. They were talking to two young girls, one of whom was a teenager. They were clearly terrified (the girls. The cops were merely nervous.) A hostile-looking crowd of students had gathered. Off to the side, a distinguished-looking man in a suit with a big white mustache was muttering something about "outsiders" on the campus.

"What do we got?" I asked.

"It was horrible, Officer," one of the girls said. "One moment we were standing here with pro-life posters and the next, this professor who said she had three degrees grabbed my poster and took off with it into that building. When I tried to get it back, she shoved me right out of the elevator."

"Can you show me where it happened?"

"Yes, follow me."

Throwing on our flak jackets, we followed the girl into the ominous building and walked down the hallway lined with posters attacking the police or society in general. Menacing-looking professors stood in the doorways glaring at us as we passed.

"Right there," she said, pointing to an elevator door.


Asking for a description of the professor, the girl described her attacker. It didn't take us long to figure out who it was. We proceeded to the second floor and knocked on the professor's door.

"What do you want?"

"Police, ma'am. Open the door."

"Get lost."

"Open the door, or we'll have to kick it in."

The door opened. Inside, it looked like a crime scene. Pieces of poster board were lying on the floor with bloody images.

We proceeded to interview the suspect. She readily admitted to stealing the girls' poster and ripping it up in her office. She then went on to describe her three degrees.

"Just the facts, Ma'am."

"I'm a victim, Officers. I did the honorable thing".

"You forgot one thing", I replied.

"What's that?"

"The poster wasn't yours."

The suspect had no answer. Gathering up the evidence, we told her we would be back in touch with her as soon as we sent our report to the DA.

Walking back through the building under the hostile glares of long-haired hippy  professors in their 60s, we passed a classroom. Suddenly, a young man came running out of the classroom with a terrified look on his face. He was a student.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"That professor. He threatened to kill me. "

"Really? What exactly did he say?"

"He said I was a Ted Cruz tea-bagger and said he was going to send me home in a body bag."

"Are you a Ted Cruz tea-bagger?" I asked. The young man hesitated.

"Well, I guess so, but please don't put that in your report. My life wouldn't be worth a plugged nickel on this campus."

"Don't worry," I answered. "We can put you in the Conservative Student Protection Program and transfer you to UC Irvine. Nobody will ever find you there."

The young man seemed relieved. He agreed to come downtown and file a report.

Before leaving, I poked my head in the classroom to identify the professor. It was exactly who I thought it was. He was strutting back and forth across the stage with fire in his eyes and a mad look on his face. The students turned around in their seats and looked at me with hate in their eyes. I figured it was time to back off. I closed the door just in the nick of time as a skate board came crashing against the door.

We finally made it out of Girvatz Hall, all in one piece. It reminded me of my younger days as an Army MP in Germany trying to fight our way out of GI bars. We were relieved to get back within the confines of the campus police station, nicknamed Ft Apache, where we could write our reports in peace.

We passed the office of the Vice Squad. Inside, two officers were busy making photo copies of the campus newspaper, The Daily Nexus.

"Hey, Joe", one of them called out to me. "You gotta read this latest piece!"

"Not now," I replied. "I don't wanna chuck my donuts."

Our reports done, it was time to call it quits for the day. My partner looked pretty drained.

"Cheer up, Frank," I told him. "This is only Monday."

"I know," he replied. "Sometimes, I think I shoulda stayed with LAPD. I'm getting too old for this crap. I can't wait for the weekend."