Was Winston Churchill "Jack the Ripper"?

The Mother of all conspiracy theories


"Witnesses described a young man in a top hat"


In the wake of the latest conspiracy theory being floated about by some of our Middle East studies professors  that the US Government gave the nod to the overthrow of Mohammed Morsi, and to celebrate the birth of the Duke of Whitechapel (or whatever title they will bestow on the royal baby boy just born), I am offering an exclusive conspiracy theory of my own, which I now reveal after years of exhaustive investigation.

Was Winston Churchill Jack the Ripper?

There is conclusive evidence to believe that he was. First of all, Churchill was born in 1874. The Ripper murders happened between 1888 and 1891. Thus, we can place Churchill in the same general area at the time. It's not as if he were on a plane flying to Chicago, you know. That would have made Winnie 14-17 at the time.  Too young, you say? Allow me to dispel that response quite quickly, old chap.

http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Teens-held-for-Limpopo-stoning-murders-20121115

In addition, witnesses told police that they saw a suspicious young man in the Whitechapel area late at night wearing a top hat. We all know that Churchill was fond of top hats (above).

In recent years, theorists have said that Jack was actually some sort of aristocrat and that his identity was being protected by the royal family. Well, guess what. Churchill was the son of none other than the 7th Duke of Marlborough, Lord Randolph Churchill, who went on to serve as chancellor of the Exchequer. People named Randolph are often nicknamed Randy, which in British English is slang for a horny man who is always on the prowl for the opposite sex. Was it in his genes?

 

But listen to this: Recent investigations by modern-day historians have indicated that Jack was a sailor man. Did you know that Churchill, prior to becoming prime minister, served as First Lord of the Admiralty?

The above historians also say that Jack sailed often between Britain and America.





BINGO!!! That's Roosevelt on the left and Jack on the right.

But perhaps, the most conclusive evidence is an infamous incident that shows that Churchill was the worst kind of misogynist. It is the famous story of his encounter with Lady Nancy Astor at a cocktail party. Churchill, a notable imbiber, was in his cups as usual when the ever-obnoxious Lady Astor walked up to him and told him indignantly that  he was drunk. In reply, Jack said, "Yes, I am, and you are ugly, but tomorrow, I shall be sober". At that, Lady Astor said, "If you were my husband, I would put poison in your drink". Jack replied, "If I were your husband, I would drink it."

Elementary, my dear Watson. An airtight case. It's called connecting the dots.

Too bad I don't have a PhD. I could teach classes on this stuff at someplace like UC Berkeley.