Austrians Need Not Apply

As you know, I am a history buff, and I firmly believe that we can and must learn lessons from our history. One important lesson that has been imparted to me by reading world history is this: Never let an Austrian immigrant gain a position of political power.

That's right. (Not that I am an Austrophobe, mind you. Some of my best friends are Austrians.)

So on with our history lesson number 1. You remember the French Revolution, don't you?



"Uhhhh.....yeaaaah."

Back in the 18th century there was this French king named Louie.

"Louie who?"

Uh, Louie Quatorze, Louie XVI, Louie Prima, Louie the Louse, I don't know. Anyway, his queen was Marie Antoinette. She was an Austrian, see? She was the one who said, "Let them eat cake." Well, anyway, when the revolution happened, she and Louie went to the guillotine where they sliced the cake, so to speak. That was history lesson number one.

History lesson number 2 was the Emperor Maximillian, from the Austrian Hapsburg family. The French, who were running Mexico at the time, installed him on the throne as emperor in the 19th century.

"Why did the French put an Austrian on the throne of Mexico?"

It's all very complicated. You have to understand European history. At that time, Austria was sort of like a farm system for the French- kinda like baseball, you know? Anyway, the Mexicans had a revolution, shot Maximillian and sent him back to Austria in a pine box.

"Why didn't the French protect Maximillian?'

You don't know much about France, do you?

History lesson number 3 was Adolf Hitler. He was born in 1889 in the Austrian town of Braunau am Inn right on the German border. He left a promising art career in Austria to become a politician in Germany. We all know how that turned out.

History lesson number 4 was Kurt Waldheim. he was an Austrian bureaucrat who became the Secretary General of the UN. So he took up residence in New York and gave the US all kind of headaches. He later went back home without being executed and became President of Austria. Then it all came out that he had been part of an SS division during the war. We were smart back then and cancelled his visa so he couldn't return to the US.

"Wow! That's interesting. I guess after him, we all wised up and stopped putting Austrians in position of power."

Well, not quite. There is one more history lesson for us.