Celebrity Endorsements-Lou Piniella for Tums

Hi, fans. I'm Lou Piniella, manager of the Chicago Cubs, here to talk about my favorite heartburn remedy, Tums.

You, know, when you're manager of the Cubs, you need a lot of Tums on hand. I keep several cartons handy in the office, plus a carton in the dugout. Let's face it. My team hasn't won a pennant since 1945 and a World Series since 1908. I understand that Tums has been a staple at Wrigley Field for a hundred years!



When I took this job three years ago, everybody figured it was just a matter of time before we broke the curse. My first year, we won the division-then were promptly swept out of the playoffs. Last year, we won the division again-with the best record in the National League! That would be the year, right?

Wrong. Swept out of the playoffs in three straight again.

Pass the Tums.

This year, we figured to be right back in there. What happened? Well, to start with, almost everybody's having a bad year. That bum, Alfonso Soriano, who our general manager, Jim Hendry, signed for 8 years for about $150 million, can't hit and can't catch the ball.

Fundamentals? Forget about it. Outside of that-he's a superstar!

"Ain't my F-#%^@* fault! Hendry's the F-@&$*& guy!

Then there is Carlos Zambrano, the most overrated pitcher in baseball.

(Make no mistake. Carlos is a fighter. Here he is fighting with our catcher.)

Every year, they talk about this flake winning 20 games and the Cy Young Award. How many wins does he have so far this year? Seven.

Then there was Hendry's trade of last year's most valuable player, Mark DeRosa, for three minor leaguers. That made sense. This year, instead of De Rosa playing second base and three or four other positions and hitting 20 homers, we have three stiffs at second hitting .220.

"Ain't my F-#%^@* fault! Hendry's the F-@&$*& guy!


Then there was the signing of volcano-head Milton Bradley. Ten homers and 35 RBIs. As is his custom, he has been thrown out of more games than he has homers.



Pass the Tums.

Then there's the injuries. We should be playing our games this year in the hospital parking lot; Ramirez, Soto, Zambrano, Lilly, Soriano, Dempster, Bradley, Johnson, the bat-boy, etc.

Pass the Tums.

So here we are, 9 games out of first place. I got one more year on my contract, and I gotta decide if I wanna come back for another year of this misery. I guess it depends how many boxes of Tums they throw into the contract.

Tums delivery truck in front of Wrigley Field