Welcome to Fousesquawk University

University President Fousesquawk inspecting the Campus Police


Since none of our universities in America seem to have the cojones to lay the law down to their students, I figured it was time to establish my own (private)university and run the way I want it run, not the way the students and "community activists" want it run. So welcome to Fousesquawk University. For the benefit of my new students, a few rules are in order.

First of all, you are here to study and to learn. The only reason you even got into Fousesquawk is because you have at least a B average. You can have your fraternities and sororities, but that's it. There are no clubs for white students, black students, Hispanic students or Asian students. You are all students, period. And forget about political clubs. Here at Fousesquawk U., we are all proud Americans, OK?Along those lines, forget about taking classes in ethnic studies, women's studies, gay studies and all that other crap. We teach real classes here and have real departments. If you need to "feel good about yourself", go see a shrink.

Another thing you can forget about is your teachers' personal opinions about the world. They are here to teach you the subject, not to impose their political viewpoints on you. You can be assured that they are all patriotic people who love their country. You can also rest assured that they have real life experience and not just advanced degrees from some Ivy League school (in fact, we don't hire anybody with an Ivy League education. In fact, none of our teachers have PHDs). Don't even ask them what their political viewpoints are. It is for you to develop and have your own views.

I repeat. You are here to learn. You are not here to change the world. That will come when you are old enough to know something about the world.

In addition, forget about having campus sit-ins and protests. They are disruptive to the learning process. If you want to protest, go someplace else. A sit-in at Fousesquawk is considered trespassing. The penalty is expulsion and prosecution. No exceptions, no second chances, no probation.

Protests at Fousesquawk are considered disorderly conduct. The penalty is expulsion and prosecution. Be advised that the Fousesquawk Campus Police are well-trained in crowd control, if you catch my drift.

Similarly, Fousesquawk University tolerates no hate speech. Threats or intimidation directed to others is considered a criminal offense and violators are subject to expulsion and prosecution. Don't even think about inviting anti-American hate-mongers to speak here. They will be denied entry onto our campus. If you want to listen to knuckleheads like Norman Finklestein and Ward Churchill, find another school.

No disrespect will be shown to any teacher. Violators will be expelled. As for speakers who come to speak at Fousesquawk (with my approval), you can debate, ask questions and disagree with them. You cannot disrupt their appearance. Violators will be expelled and prosecuted.

Sports? Forget about it. This is a learning institution, not a sports factory. If you want to play sports at college, go someplace else like say, the University of Miami. (and save your cards and letters because I was a jock in college too.)

Any questions? Good, now get to class.