Fousesquawk for President

"Is this mike on?"


Below is the transcript for the big news conference where Fousesquawk announces his candidacy for president:

Reporter (R): "First question, Fousesquawk- What do you plan to do about global warming?"

Fousesquawk (F): "Nothing."

R: "Will you sign the Kyoto Treaty?"

F: "No."

R: "Sir, what role do you see for the federal government in solving the education crisis in this country?"

F: "None."

R: "What is your plan for Iraq?"

F: "Win."

R: "But when will you bring the troops home?"

F: "When we've won."

R: "What about Al Qaeda?"

F: "Kill 'em."

R: "How do you plan to deal with Iran?"

F: "Kill 'em."

R: "But we're not at war with Iran."

F: "Stand by."

R: "What about Guantanemo Bay?"

F: "Nice place."

R (Helen Thomas): "When are we going to stop killing people in the Middle East?"

F: "You mean terrorists, Helen. How does 2150 sound to you?"

R: "Sir, how do you plan to restore America's reputation in the eyes of the world?"

F: "I don't."

R: "But our European allies are angry with us."

F: "What else is new?"

R: "Do you have a Middle East peace plan"?

F: "Yes, support Israel."

R: But what about the Palestinian people?"

F: "What about 'em?"

R: "What is your plan for solving the energy crisis?"

F: "Two words: Anwar and refineries."

R: "But where will you build new refineries?"

F: "Hyannisport."

R: "But that's the home of the Kennedy compound."

F: "I know."

R: "What kind of justices would you put on the Supreme Court?"

F: "You don't want to know."

R: "But can you think of someone as a model of who you are looking for?"

F: "Roy Bean."

R: "Perhaps you have a plan to solve the housing crisis."

F: "What housing crisis?"

R: "Do you have a plan for comprehensive health care coverage?"

F: "Absolutely not."

R: "Do you have a comprehensive immigration plan?"

F: "No. Next question."

R: "What are your thoughts about taxes?"

F: "Bad idea."

R: "But how will government have the money for new programs?"

F: "It won't."

R: "Do you have any ideas about closing the gap between the rich and the poor?"

F: "Glad you asked. No."

R: "How do you plan to reach across the aisle and work with Democrats"?

F: "I don't. Next question."

R: "What country would you visit first after taking office?"

F: "I dunno, someplace warm."

R: "Do you have any ideas about a running mate?"

F: "Don't need no stinking running mate."

R: "What role do you envision for the First Lady in your administration."

F: "None."

R: "Don't you think that's rather sexist?"

F: "You bet'cha."

R: Who will be your White House press secretary?"

F: "No one."

R: "But how will the press know what's going on in the administration?"

F: "They won't. Next question."

R: "But don't the American people have the need to know?"

F: "The only thing the people need to know is the ball scores."

R: "Are you prepared to debate the other candidates?"

F: "No."

R: "Why not?"

F: "What's to debate?"

Final question:

R: Mr Fousesquawk, it is clear you have absolutely no plan whatsoever. How do you expect to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate?"

F: "Two words: Barack Obama."