Monday, February 6, 2017

The Big Berkeley Monkey Trial

The first trial against "right-wing agitators" in the February 1 riot that shut down an appearance by Milo Yiannopoulos at UC Berkeley has begun. We now take you into the courtroom, where the first prosecution witness, Professor Robert Reich, has been called to the stand. Judge Erwin Chemerinsky is presiding.

Prosecutor: "Please state your name for the record."

Reich: "Robert Reich. R-E-I-C-H".

Prosecutor: "Mr. Reich, with whom are you employed?"

Reich: "I am a professor at the University of California at Berkeley."

Prosecutor: "And where were you on the evening of February 1?"

Reich: "I was in the area of Sproul Plaza on campus."

Prosecutor: "And were you a witness to the events in question?"

Reich: "I was. I saw a riot in progress."

Prosecutor: "And why was there a riot in progress? Didn't it coincide with a speaking appearance by the white supremacist, Milo Yiannopoulos?""

Defense attorney: "Your Honor, I object to the characterization of Mr Yiannopoulos as a "white supremacist."

Judge: "Overruled. You may answer the question."

Reich: "That's correct."

Prosecutor: " Professor Reich, could you identify the rioters?"

Reich: "I could tell they were not students."

Prosecutor: "Why is that?"

Reich: "Because I know all the students on campus."

Prosecutor: "Could you tell who they were?"

Reich: "I heard rumors that they were right-wing agitators."

Defense attorney: "Objection, Your Honor. Hearsay."

Judge: "Overruled."

Prosecutor: "Your witness."

Defense attorney: "Dr Reich, you said you know all the students on campus. How many students attend UC Berkeley?"

Reich: "38,000."

Defense attorney: "And you know all of them, is that your testimony?"

Prosecutor: "Objection, Your Honor."

Judge: "Sustained."

Defense attorney: " Dr Reich. I direct your attention to People's Exhibit A. This is a collection of pictures from the riot. Isn't it true that those committing the violence wore scarves covering their faces?"

Reich: "Uh, yes."

Defense attorney: "Then can you please explain how you are able to testify that none of these people are students and that they are right-wing agitators? You don't know who they are, do you?"

Prosecutor: "Objection, Your Honor. He is badgering the witness."

Judge: "Sustained."

'Defense attorney (sighing): "No further questions."

Judge: "You may step down, Dr Reich."

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