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Monday, February 15, 2016

Dragnet Chappaqua


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This is the city. Chappaqua, NY. Nothing ever happens here. Well, we do have an occasional traffic accident. The biggest one in recent history was when a dog named Buddy got run over by a truck while running across the street. Buddy was Bill Clinton's dog. Oh. I didn't mention. Chappaqua is where the Clintons bought a house after Bill left the White House. Some say it was no accident and that Buddy knew too much. At any rate, Chappaqua is a nice respectable little town. I should know. My name's Friday. I'm a cop.

My partner and I were working the swing shift one cold February evening. We decided to take a ride by the Clinton residence and say hello to our Secret Service pals who were stationed outside 24-7. We pulled up to their car parked outside the front of the house.

"How youse guys doin'?" we asked.

"OK," one of them answered. "Hey, could youse guys go down to the McDonalds and get us a couple of burgers and some coffee?" He handed us a ten-dollar bill out the window.

"Sure," I answered. Don't they give you nothing from the house?"

"Hell no. Not even the time of day."

"That sucks," I said.

"Oh, you think they're bad," said the driver. I remember back when Carter was president. One December we wuz freezing our asses off down in Plains, Georgia. All night long. Then in the morning, Carter comes out on his front porch to get his frickin paper. Doesn't even say hello."

Fousesquawk comment: True story. Yeah, I know about that too, Jimmy.

At that point, my partner and I swung over to Micky D's to get our brothers something to eat and some coffee. As we turned back onto the Clinton's street, we noticed a black sedan parked on the corner with two guys inside. Being a cop, I knew instinctively this was a plainclothes car with law enforcement inside.



Arriving back at the Clinton house, we handed over the burgers and coffee.

"Hey. Did you happen to see that black car parked down the street? Is that your guys?"

"Black sedan? No, that the Feebs."

"Oh. Hey, is Hillary in town or is she still out campaigning?"

The Secret Service guy behind the wheel replied, "Actually, she got back last night. Every few days she comes home to crash."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth we heard a loud crash from inside the house.

"What the hell was that?' I asked.

"Dinner plate crashing. It happens all the time when she's here."

Suddenly, the front door opened and a man came running out. He jumped in the car that was parked in the driveway, backed up and drove away tires screeching. I recognized him immediately. It was Bill.

"Excuse me," said the SS driver as he reached for his radio mic. "Philanderer One is leaving and proceeding west."

"We got him, " cracked a voice from the radio. A white car with two agents passed us trying to keep up with Bill.

"Where do you think he's going?" I asked.

"You don't wanna know," replied the agent in the passenger seat.

A few minutes later, a young woman with long black hair and olive features came out of the house carrying a box, which she loaded in the back of a grey SUV. She then got behind the wheel and drove off.

"You gonna follow her too?" I asked.

"Nah. She ain't our responsibility."

Just then the black sedan came past us a couple of hundred feet behind the woman's car.

"Anything else gonna happen tonight?"

"Nope," said the agent behind the wheel. Hillary's alone now. She'll be zonked out for the next 24 hours. Then she's gotta go back out on the road."

Then I asked a dumb question.

"You guys gonna vote for her?"

Loud laughter erupted from the car. When the agents stopped laughing, the driver asked, "Hey Joe. You ever miss working in LA?"

Before I could answer, a call came over our radio.

"Joe. Get over to Main and Elm. There's a pileup."

"10-4," I answered. "Let's roll. See you guys later."

Normally, the drive to Main and Elm was 10 minutes, but we figured this would be the most exciting thing to happen all year in Chappaqua. With the lights and siren, we made it in 3.

Sure enough. It was the most unbelievable thing I had seen in my career as a cop-at least in Chappaqua.

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