Thursday, February 21, 2013

Dragnet- Washington DC

This is the city; Washington DC, sometimes known as the former home of the Washington Senators and the nation's capital. About a half-a million people live here, most of them white collar criminals. They say you could drop an atom bomb on this town and not one innocent bystander would be injured.

That's where I come in. My name's Friday. I'm a cop. (Well sort of....I work with the Capitol Hill PD.)

We were working the day shift in bunco. My partner was Al Jazeera. We were just getting ready to knock off for lunch when we got the call.

"See the Speaker. Report of somebody screaming in the Capitol."

We proceeded to the Speaker's office in the basement of the Capitol building. When we got there, he  was with the Spoker, and he was clearly upset.

"What's the problem?" I asked.

The Speaker was too distraught to talk, but the Spoker acted like nothing was wrong. (She always acts like nothing is wrong.)

"It seems he heard someone scream, but we don't know where it came from," she explained.

"We'll check it out."

We decided to do an office to office search of the premises.

The first office we got to was that of Senator David Vitter. We didn't waste any time with his secretary; we just barged right into his office.

"Can I help you, gentlemen?" said Vitter.

"Did you hear anybody scream"" I asked.

"No", he replied.

"Thanks." We proceeded to the next office. That was Senator Larry Craig. His secretary told us he was in the head. "That's where you will always find him, " she added.

Peeking in the door, we asked, "Hey Senator! Did you hear a scream?"

"Not here."

Next was the office of Senator Robert Menendez. He was just finishing up with one of his constituents and was on his way to the airport to catch a plane to the Dominican Republic on official House business.

Before we could say a word, he told us, "I didn't hear no scream," as he walked out the door and got on an elevator with his teenage daughter. (Well, at least I think it was his teenage daughter.)

The next stop was the office of Senator Elizabeth Warren. When we entered, she had just finished putting on her makeup.

She merely turned her back on us and walked away.

Increasingly frustrated, we made our next stop at the office of Senator Dianne  Feinstein.

"Senator, did you hear a scream?"

"Thank you for contacting me," she replied.

"I said, did you hear a scream?" I repeated.

"Thank you for contacting me," she repeated.

I turned to Al and said, "Let's go. We're wasting our time."

Next was Harry Reid's office. We decided to skip it.

At this point, we decided to walk over to the House side to see if anyone over there knew anything at all. First stop was Anthony Weiner. It was his last day in office, and he was packing up his things and taking a few photos as mementos of his days in Congress.

Nice pecs

He didn't hear anything either. Taking his word for it, we left and proceeded to the office of Maxine Waters.

"Excuse me, Ms Waters,...."

"Get the *!#^* out of my office, you *^#!* cops!" she screamed.

"Sorry to bother you, Ma'am."

As we walked out, a secretary ran up to us and said, "Did I just hear a scream?"

"Yeah, you did," I replied and kept on walking.

It got worse.

The next office was that of out-going Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney. She was accompanied by a couple of menacing-looking thugs in some weird-looking black outfits. Before we could ask her anything, she asked my partner, "Are you a Jew?".


Before he could answer, she slugged him with her fist and ran down the hall and out of sight, her protectors covering her rear.

Oh well.

Next was the office of Jesse Jackson Jr. We approached his secretary.

"Is Mr Jackson in?"

"No," she replied. "We haven't seen the congressman for months."

"Can you tell us where he might be?"

"Sorry. Nobody knows where he is."

"Can we try back later?" I asked getting impatient.

"Try back in about 5 years," she answered.

As I was trying to get more info out of the secretary, Al wandered over to the door of Jackson's inner office.

"Hey Joe, he called. "You better come take a look at this."

"Nice office," I remarked, "but that doesn't tell us who did the screaming. Let's move on."

Just as we were about to give up, Al caught a glimpse of Hillary Clinton stomping down the capitol steps and getting into a limousine. We exchanged knowing looks at each other.

"Case solved, Watson?"

"Case solved. We'll check back tomorrow and make sure no dead bodies turn up. Meanwhile, let's go get lunch."

As we headed up Constitution Avenue, Al asked me, "What if there is a dead body in the Capitol?"

I pondered Al's question for a minute then shrugged my shoulders.

"What difference at this point does it make?"

"By the way, I asked, '"Are you really a Jew?"

Al laughed.

"With a name like Jazeera?'


Siarlys Jenkins said...

A promising beginning... you seem to have lost your thread somewhere... but what difference does it really make?

Gary Fouse said...


I'm still trying to figure out who killed Susan Rice on the Orient Express.