Thursday, January 10, 2013

Celebrity Endorsements: Anderson Cooper for the Gloria Vanderbilt Penis Sheath

Hi Folks, this is Anderson Cooper, your favorite New Years Eve reporter, and I want to tell you about the new penis sheath designed by Gloria Vanderbilt (my Mom).

Courtesy of Gentleman's Quarterly

If you were watching me on New Years Eve, you saw my co-host, Kathy Griffin, do something unspeakable to me. It was so horrible, I don't even want to describe it.

"Happy New Year!"

That is when my Mom, Gloria Vanderbilt, decided to design something to protect poor, unsuspecting victims like me from predators like Griffin. It started with a very simple design-the standard penis sheath as used by some highland tribes in New Guinea for protection in case Kathy comes smokin' into town.

Aside from keeping the family jewels safe from Kathy, the GV Penis sheath has other uses as well. For example, one model has a very sharp pointed tip, which comes in handy if you get caught in a screaming mob of emerging democrats (small case d), like when I was in Cairo below reporting the birth of democracy. The sharp-pointed tip allows you to plow straight ahead and woe be to those who don't get out of the way.

Then there is the sardine can model (all rights reserved). The tip stretches out into a flat, razor-sharp edge like the top of a sardine can in case anyone wants to kiss your sardine without permission.

Just peel off the top, attach the ring around the end of the penis sheath, and you are safe all New Years Eve.

Finally, there is the Quest model (RQ 1), named after my CNN colleague in London, Richard Quest. It comes with a pair of hand-cuffs attached, which can be affixed to various other parts of the body for safe-keeping. The RQ 2 model features a rope instead of hand-cuffs.

So from now on, do what I will do; stock up on the wide variety of Gloria Vanderbilt penis sheathes for the next time someone like Kathy Griffin wants to do a 360 on you.


The Jakes said...

Imagine if a man had done something similar to a woman. He would have been hit with a lawsuit faster than he could blink - justifiably so.

While I think that women are definitely harassed more often than men, that doesn't make it right when it happens the other way around.

Oh, and this was one of your funnier bits.

Siarlys Jenkins said...

Written like a true Fox fan -- family values are for commentary, everything else is rated R.

(I give you credit for not going X).